How to be a Villager when you need a Village
By Elyse Brogdon, Citizen Yoga Director of People and Processes, Yoga Instructor
The moment I heard someone say: “everybody wants a village, but no one wants to be a villager,” my whole perspective on community shifted. We are constantly mediating the messages of individualism - “set boundaries” and “take care of yourself first” and “do what you want” - with those of collectivism - “take care of each other” and “heal in community” and "prioritize social connection.” Learning to live in a way where all of these statements can be true at once is the art of village-building.
As someone who would rather offer to help than ask for help 10 out of 10 times, I realized that in order to create a community where other people were actually involved in my day to day life, I needed to start reaching out even in moments when I could “do it myself.” In chatting with a close friend who was experiencing similar feelings, we decided to start asking each other for things that weren’t life or death, but were easier and more joyful when we just included each other:
My washer is broken, can I use yours tonight?
If I host our friends for dinner, can you help me cook?
I have an extra jar of granola, do you want some?
Over time, it was the willingness from both of us to ask for help, and from both of us to step up and say yes, that gave us permission to keep engaging and opened the door for us to create a natural cycle of giving and receiving. By risking the “inconvenience,” we became more willing to look outside of ourselves and feel more supported through it all.
It’s important to note that this is not about being transactional, and we need to be wary of any relationship we’re measuring that way. Instead, it is about building a rapport of support with the people in your life that actually goes both ways, so that down the line we all have a circle in which we can ask and provide. These small requests to start are also not meant to become an act of crying wolf. We’re all doing life all of the time, this is about strengthening our muscle of acting more communally.
When it comes to community, one of my favorite quotes is from Thich Nhat Hanh in his book, Good Citizens:
“Everybody contributes their part. You don't need to be exactly like the others...Somebody must be the Sangha eyes; somebody must be the ears; somebody must be the feet; and somebody must be the hands. You don't need to be like others; you just need to be yourself."
We don’t have to be everything to everyone to uphold our role in the village, and we definitely can’t be everything alone for ourselves. We have to be who we are, contribute what we can contribute, and then work in relationship to one another so that we can experience being a part of something much bigger than our own individuality.
Today’s prompt:
Include a friend, neighbor, or family member in something you would typically get done by yourself. Going to the grocery store? Call and see if you can pick something up for them. Baking cookies? Ask to borrow their measuring cups and bring them a few cookies when you return.
